Target Encounters

Today I was doing my thing as usual checking people out at target, when in walks this beautiful man. I stared at him for a moment and then his laundry basket, then back at him. Then he said, “How is Edinboro College?” I said, “Good, how’d you know I went there?”

On the inside I was beaming, finally Hogwarts has accepted me. How ELSE would he have known where I went to school!?

As I waited to be whisked away to my new magical life, he says I write for The Presque Isle files. Then I remember he told me before he had to get a laundry basket.

so I finally met my BBFTIJSHTLITSCA, you know my best blogging friend that I just so happen to live in the same city as. In all the excitement I forgot to have him pay!! However the nice lady behind me told me I was a fail. Meeting people in real life is fun, ha Sammy is taller in person than I pictured, but quite a tall glass of something sexy, if I do say so myself.

For all you other bloggers, Sammy and I have a blogging secret in common, betcha you can’t guess!

I Don’t Like The Way You Porno

I used to know this slut and one day she had a sex video go around school. At the end of the video she yelled, “Unstoppppppabbbbllleeeeee” Which I am told is a reference to a video game, and basically means, “Pwned.” At the end of the video her cousin came straight in her eyeball…and she used leet speak to say that she just got marinated in the face with sticky, dewy man nectar…
Her senior quote in our yearbook read,”UNSTOPPABLE,” to immortalize her finest moment, maybe?

Recently facebook has found her into my life. She started proudly
talking about things she’s done that I’ve never even heard of…(Pearl necklaces, bukkake, things of that nature…) I don’t know whether to feel bad for her…or laugh my ass off. She casually said, “Ya he’s given me like 15 facials, THE FIRST TIME IT ACTUALLY WENT IN MY EYEBALL, I looked like I had pink eye for two hours!!!!” Then said, “Wanna know a secret?” I was like, “um…do I have to?” She excitedly exclaimed, “We taped that!” And I wanted to say, “Unstoppabbblleeeeee” But I didn’t have the heart because she followed it with, “Ha, but it’s not like it’s on the internet or anything.”

Aha..I beg to differ…our entire school saw that video…again…and again.

I can’t decide if I’m shocked she doesn’t know everyone saw her video…or the fact that she has let her boyfriendcopycat what I deem as the shittiest style of porno ever on her 15 times. 15 TIMES.

Just Me Being Sexy As Usual

There is this new floor manager at target, and he’s…rather on the handsomely sexy side. Well…it was Halloween night, I was working till close. It was me and this ol’ bird Merv(changed name’s for my stories sake), just watching wide eyed with jealousy while Consuelo(like I said…names changed) flirted up a storm with some of the other cashiers. Merv turned to me and said in her nicotine stained voice, “Look at him…flirting with all the pretty girls, men are pigs…” In agreeance I began, “Ya…men, and their piggy ways, wait whaaaa?” Then Merv, bein’ the rockin’ old coot she is goes for a slam dunk and makes a speedy recovery saying “Oh..you’re pretty too.”

Well…in Consuelo’s defense he started on the day I decided to wear cat themed earrings and a little pumpkin hair piece…why not a sexy nurse? WHY NOT ME? I was five aisles away from sexifying myself…but it was no use, Consuelo already witnessted the Pumkiny horror on my head…

So the next day I was then on a mission to de-nerdify and redeem myself from my first impression. I curled my hair all sexy like, wore some hooker boots, and drum rolll pleaseeeeeeee, bought my first thong! I was terrified, because they are not comfortable and they DO floss your asshole with every and ANY subtle contortions your body could make. What is a thong if not a cloth held together by a yo-yo string? MY CHEEKS NEED WARMTH, not some flimsy homemade excuse for underwear.

I dance around my register trying to alleviate the pain on my feet from wearing heels…when I get that feeling…and I desperately pray, “Please say I just peed myself.” no such luck. I couldn’t leave my register…because their was a huge line and only 2 cashiers. Just as my break was nearing this bitchy mcbitch lady yelled at me about a plant she bought, after being nice to her and explaining the extent of what I could do without a receipt she was still a bitch, I wanted to say, “WHAT THE FUCK IS CHAFFING YOUR ASSHOLE, LADY?”

So Then I go on break, I put a quarter in the tampon vending machine. nothing comes out. I panicked and thought, “This is the one time I wish I had Demi Moore’s invincible pubes…” It hadn’t even a tiny bit crossed my mind that I was in a supermarket…that sold…tampons…I was sweating it out hoping I wouldn’t spew a huge red spot on my uniform, whilst holding back a million target jokes(See.Spot.Laugh At Idiot with Period Stain.) I decided to nab one off one of my co-workers.

The Best part of my story is coming up right fucking now. So peel your earholes. I buy a kid cuisine for lunch. As I go to the breakroom to eat it, Consuelo says, “How’s that kid cuisine for ya, Shweta?” I say, “Well it’s better than cafeteria food…I mean when I went to high school, not that I do now.” He looks at me, and says trying to save the last sliver of smoothness the convo had, “I might have to go buy one myself!”

So…some people are hot ass motha fuckas, and some of us should stick to buying our underwear in 6 packs with hello kitty stamped across the front.

First Day

Today was my first day working cashier at target. It was fun, but it had it’s ups and downs. First I woke up at 10:40 for my 11 o clock shift…I had to hurry. I never speed, quite the contrary I go 5 under the speed limit. Not today. I gotta say if nascar allowed non-trailer trash to compete, I’d be on that track like *snaps.* I went prob 65 in a 40…no lie, but it doesn’t matter because I’m driving next to farms…I’m doomed to live in farming towns. Then I panicked when I couldn’t help a lady with her raincheck, then I flubbed up with change a few times. The great thing about target is it has no gross hick customers<—-The reason Wal Mart/Kohls/K Mart has piss on the floor.

I'd be like, "Oh shi-, Lady…I mighta not had my register on the entire time I was scanning your stuff…" I thought she woulda bitched slapped me. Just as my face contorted into flinch mode she said, "Awww, you're so cute!" With a goofy grin on my face I was like, "Well if you say so…" Sure enough I fudged up a few more cashier-y things, but all my customers just said, "AWWW YOU'RE SO CUTE!!!" It pays to have the face of a pre-pubescent ethnic kid, people really respond to it well.

Hopefully I'll have more to tell you folks later!

Salad Finger’s Isolation

Salad Fingers-.David Firth created the 8 Episodes of Salad Fingers among other flash animation works, Salad Fingers touched me though…not in a rusty way. Salad Finger’s speech is cut in a way as though he’s never interacted with other people, but only has an understanding of the english language(as well as French.) He has 3 puppet finger friends, as any outside friends frighten him greatly, or happen to be dead corpses. I believe Salad Fingers only imagines he encounters living beings as a result of having grown lonely and insane. I also believe the dead bodies are real and are the remains of the Great War, being why he is left alone in a desolute land. He finds great pleasure in rusty spoons that gateways to other nasty pleasures of his. When he is pushed to his limit, he can be found delighting in self-injurious acts abating his feelings of isolation. Even so, Salad Fingers stays complimentary, well mannered, and polite to a ‘T.’

This is Salad Fingers done in paint.

Click to read a more on Salad Fingers.

Things Scene Kids Ruined

The Internet-Without scene kids, all we’d have is porn, kitten youtube videos, and fetish porn, now we have teenagers constantly making idiots of themselves…neon racoon extensions included…for our sheer entertainment…forever burnt into my brain…and forever imbedded into the internet.

I’m only human…screeched the cranky Pterodactyl…

Hair-If it isn’t big, bright, hazardous and/or flammable, well it’s just not scene. Scene Hair Attachments include-little bows, mismatch headbands, floppy hats, highlighter hair extensions, and or a dead animal.

“If I stay perfectly still…it will eventually crawl off my head.”

Not Being Emo-The difference between Scene kids and Emo kids, is that scene kids have this undeserved, cocky self asteem and Emo kids recognize their obvious level of fail and slit their wrists. The similarity being the parents of both of you regret not shoving a hanger wire up there and ridding the world of you’re embarressing excuse of an existence.

Music-I literally don’t like music anymore. I can’t, if I do I have to listen to retarded lyrics about Helen Keller getting gang raped sung by a band whose name is in ‘L337 SP34K’, humor easily paralleled to Chuck Norris Jokes, and I refuse to deem Chuck Norris Jokes as being the least bit smirk-worthy. REFUSE.

Slutty Pictures-When scene girls lift their shirts revealing eyeliner art spelling out “Chodes” excuse me, “Chiodas” across their bellies, I’ll admit it’s a little cute, hell it’s enough to get any myspace lurker aroused. when scene boys try to look sexy, I’m always afraid they are gonna blow a wad in their skinny jeans. And that’s never a ‘hawt’ scene.

Being Plain Ol’ Slutty-Oh yeah…This picture’s caption would be, “All this non conformity is causing a tumor of shit to fester in my bowels.”

The Test…

I finally got a job!!!! I will be working cashier at Target, I’m so excited. However, that’s not what this post is about.

It’s about the drug test I had to submit to beforehand. I’ve been drug tested in high school a few times. However I always suffered from stage fright when it came to the ‘act’ itself. My shy bladder was always full of urine and shame when I’d walked out of the bathroom with a few droplets of golden dew glistening at the very bottom of the cup. So this time around I wanted to redeem myself. I drank umpteen glasses of water in preparation for the showdown. Just me, the cup, and a newfound confidence in my whiz factory.

The proctor handed me the cup and pointed to my goal line, and said, “If you can’t reach that, bring me out what you’ve got.” With great certainty, I said, “No lady, let me show you what this girl is made of.”<—-I wish I really would of said that, instead I said alrighty!, right before she verbally yanked me back and made me take my sweater off/belt/and purse.

As the door closed, I felt cold, scared, and in an utter state of consternation as that cup stared me down, laughing, mocking my inability to get ready, set, and go. Just as I felt conquered, it happened…and kept happening. I not only produced enough…but I had to shut my pee off before it came to overflow. So, i finally faced my fear…of peeing in cups.<—Because in my day to day, I will need this skill. *Sighs* I was just starting to like it.

Your Skin Color Is Looking Super Fine

How do you respond to a statement like that…can you respond to a statement like that? I don’t have this statement listed under this post with offensive questions/statements people make about me being indian, because it’s not offensive in any sense. To verbalize it as best I can, I suppose I’d say it’s odd. I know it’s out of genuine niceness, and indeed complimentary, just odd. That’s all, odd. ‘Lolable’, if you will.

Maybe it’s odd to me because I never compliment people on their skin tones, I never go, “Looking super pastey today, girl,” or “Wow, that carmel color suites you!.”

After the 50th time of hearing this statement, “Your brown skin is really flattering.” It grows tiresome saying ‘thanks…?’ It’s the straw.

(I can’t finish that idiom because it would prompt this question, “Ohhh, so do you ride camels in your land?”)<—-That question is however in my other post.

So Much Moore To Love

There is much moore to this post as well…read moore at your own discretion.

Life Is Hard

1. ‘I can resist everything but temptation’-Mark Twain.

2. My Mind only wakes when I’m asleep and I only feel like I’m falling when I’m awake.

3. There are more fish in the sea, however most of us are confined to fishbowls.

4. What is a hopeless romantic without romance, just hopeless?

5. If home is where the heart is, why do I feel like my heart is with you?