How I Got My Math Tutor

When I was in 9th grade I had troubles with algebra. It frustrated me beyond no point. When we took our mid-terms our teacher told us to put suggestions on the back of our exams. I knew I bombed my test, so my suggestion was sarcastic. I thought they wouldn’t be read outloud…But right as I thought the class would end, she begins reading them. I felt trapped in my then imrpisoning desk. I was sweating it out hoping she wouldn’t get to mine. Alas…the moment fell upon me. My face was in my palm at this point. My life…this is my life, I thought.

She read with a smile on her face, “I suggest that hot blonde senior tutors me, then I could concentrate.” She then turned the paper over and read in a serious tone, “Well, Shweta, I’m sorry I’m not eye candy enough for you…” I said with instant regret, “Mrs. [Teacher], I’m sorry.” Commence class outburst of laughter…fuckkk my life.

Needless to say, everyone knew who the hot senior was in our class…He had a self satisfied grin on his face…Then my teacher said, “Fine, if you think that would help you, why don’t you ask Mr. [Blonde boy's last name] if he’d be so kind to assist you.”

I left that class feeling…ridiculous. He followed after me and said, “I’d like to tutor you, Shweta.” I smiled. I got a B on my final. “Ha, you’re so funny.” I replied. “I’m serious, I had problems with algebra too, I think I could help you…you’re pretty hot too.” Then he added a wink. Stole my little 9th grade heart away.

My teacher congratulated me at the final when I passed. I felt accomplished, and me and that boy became somewhat of friends. He was soo hot. Ha.

I hope to relive more mortifying moments with you soon.

The Notebook Returns

I saw the Notebook. It was alright. It was a cliche love movie, it was what I expected it to be. The older couple in the movie did a good job captivating me, coulda given balls or ass about Rachel Mcadams and Josh Gosling. To my shock I hear Nicholas Spark’s Dear John turned movie and had the same story as the Notebook.

I decided to do a movie synopsis for Dear John. I have not seen Dear John, but the trailer baffled me how he’s luring in his middle aged/tween audience.

Let me guess the movie starts out where the girl loses her virginity in the same cliche way as in the Notebook. The guy joins the army and has to leave. Then a bunch of letters get lost en route and convienently neither one knows of the others undying love for the other…and they are getting along with their lives just dandy with their new lovers. You see a bunch of macho scenes with the guy saying, “I’m a bad ass and get into fist fights because my father was an ass, so i’m inheritently that way, watch me brood…sexily.” Then he comes back and sees she has moved on. Nicholas Sparks will get lazy here and instead of having her choose, the guy will find a tragic way out of the relationship like a car crash and that way the girl doesn’t have to feel bad about going back to the old guy.

I’m so sick of lazy writing, this isn’t even writing, this is rewriting. Suck it Nicholas Sparks, I just nailed you. 

Also the Super Bowl commericals sucked, and Tim Tebow’s commercial was self indulgent and retarded. I wish he had been aborted.

It’s The Super Bowl…Sighs…

I’m…sick of this event. Everyone in my house freaks the fuck out over this day. It…seems silly to me. I really wish I could embrace the joy of sports, but being uncoordinated myself, I never fell in love with any. It’s not that I don’t understand why people like it, I just don’t understand the hype and excitement. I will never be able to grasp this dreaded day. To me it’s a day of me trying to understand the part of my brain that must not of formed when I was in the womb. Sometimes i’m kind of happy it’s a numb feeling to me, people cry over sports.

The only thing that could possibly offend you more is if I had been aborted. Irony so sweet…

Love And Other Fake Emotions

At times I give advice to this kid who is love crazy out his mind.  Lately I feel some of my advice has been not so helpful. I’m not rocking relationships right now.  Here is some ambivelant advice that I stand by adamantly though. Ha, it should be all I’m allowed to advise to young kids anyway.

1. Keep it super real.

2. Don’t say I love you, why? For what reason to drive someone away that might of thought you were cool?

3. Be apathetic in your relationship. “Hey baby, I’m sexily uninterested in you.” That’s perfect.

4. Don’t say baby.

5. Don’t say relationship.

This…is what my blog has been reduced to…a sloppy list of obvious shit to get attention.

Stop Talking To Me

We are not friends. Ugh. This bothers me more than anything. When I go to the mall any store I go into I am barraged with people that try to sell me stuff(As is there job…) I already feel awkward with the pounding music playing making every step I make an awkward dance move. This one cashier said, “Hi! You’re back!! We have great sales(bla bla) How’s your day!?” I wanted to say, “No, I can see what sexy underwear did for you, no good. STOP TALKING TO ME, YOU’RE PREGNANT,I DON’T WANT TO CATCH IT.” I really said, “It’s good. I like this day.” …Those are the kinda golden one liners I come up with when I’m being friendly with strangers.

 Then she asked me my bra size and I was like, “excuse me, that’s none of your business.” What I really said was, “The smallest you have…” She looked blankly trying to avoid my low self asteem and handed me a bra and said, “YOU’LL LOVE IT, I DO.” Her sales pitch made me feel like I was going to hurt her feelings if I didn’t buy it. After purchasing it I remembered it’s not like they are being paid by every item of clothing they sell, and then I feel used and dirty…As I should. Gross mall. Sometimes I want to go into a mall without cashiers remembering me, I’m not being concieted(Though my hotness is something not easily forgotten) but it’s literally because I’m the indian population for this town.  I now feel like I can’t walk into aerie, if she honestly remembers me,and I go in one more time…she’s going to get the impression I crap my pants everyday or something.  I hate malls.

Things I’d Change

1. My Nose. First and foremost. Two things I’d change, the bridge, and the the tip of it. So…my whole nose.

2. IF I ever have the money, boob job. Why? Because if everyone had the money…let’s be honest…why not?

3. My hair. This is in transition right now. I want to possibly dread it. Then I get cold feet. So I’m just kidding with this one…maybe.

4. My underwear. Ha. (jeez…calm down, reread the title of the post.)

5. Um, electrolisis? I’m extremely tired of nairing my face. I’m a girl. It’s a demeaning feeling having to do that…

Stuff that I like about myself that I used to hate.

1. My eyebrows. They are big, it’s like having an automatic upperhand when it comes to staring another person down. I most definitely will win.

2. My toes kinda look like steps…you’d have to see them to get it. But I like it now. It’s better than monster feet.

3. My size, I used to think I was missing out on a lot of the world from down here, I’m not. I can see up your nose. I’m glad you can’t see up mine.

4. The dots in my eyes. I used to want to bleach them out. But it’s my eyes, I know right? I’d go blind. I think they are awesome now. It’s like my own personal sharingan[nerd reference.]

5. My teeth. I have odd teeth. There is this gap inbetween my right center tooth and the one beside it. I’m cool with it now.

From the description I painted for you…you must think I’m a hairy, short, bucktoothed, small chested, garden gnome. Well I’m not. I was just sharing ideas.

Adoption

A friend of mine recently adopted a child, I have followed her blog and love her ideals and thoughts on adoption. She had a post listing 20 things adoptive parents should be aware of when adopting a child. I’d like to expand on some of the points made in her post. I am an internationally adopted child with all biological siblings. From the view of an adult adoptee, I hope my views don’t offend, they are just honest. It’s not babysteps, it’s not that I need someone to hold my hand, it’s not that I’m less than you, it’s that it’s a hard thing to deal with. You will probably never have any idea.

1. As a kid that wanted to be treated the same as my brothers and sister, I shunned any conversations pretaining to my adoption. I put that conversation off my whole life. I wanted equality within the sibling rankings.

2. The most prevelant thought surrounding my adoption was the racial difference. I can’t ever say I’ve felt an appreciation for my heritage. I’m not blaming anyone. I recognize that’s a sad fact. I have always wished that my parents would of adopted another child…because it was just me. It’s only through blogging that I have found people with similiar feelings of dismay and struggle towards their adoption.

3. I didn’t think I could be truely part of my family if I showed an interest in where I came from. I jumped through so many hoops trying to be super “American.” I was extremely interested though. I I felt split. It was my identity crisis. I came off as egocentric; the center of my world, it’s only because I felt apart of no world I let myself become consumed.

4. I think I shut off a lot of emotions trying to understand who I was and it has wrecked my ability to understand how to fully love or accept love from others. When you shut down feeling  one emotion, you shut down your ability to truely feel anything. I am still very unsure if I’ll ever truely be able to love someone else or know how to feel when someone loves me. It’s a hard thing to do…for some.

5. I hold no resentment towards my birth parents for putting me up for adoption. I can’t judge someone who had to make such a decision, I can only thank them they made the decision they did make.

6. I often wonder what my biological parents are like, not out of the interest I have in them, but the interest I have in myself.   What characteristics did I take from them, I wonder what the make up of my entire being is composed of, from my appearance to ticks, to my laugh, to my health, to my mental state, to my IQ, to my smile.

7. I dislike it when people tell me I look like my birth parents. I absolutely do not resemble them in any way. It’s annoying and condescending.

8. I may appear more whole than I am. It was extremely hard when I entered middle school. I remember feeling utterly confused and that turned into anger, and definitely caused me to lash out in some counter productive ways. The truth is no adopted child can be perfectly ok without realizing they have to deal with it.   I had too many feelings towards my adoption that I dealt with it with harmful coping mechanisms and lead to me hitting a wall.

9. I hated when people would tell me I should be greatful for being adopted. That’s so unfair to say to an adopted child. Why should I be any more greatful than you for having parents?

10. Moments I found annoying or distressing as a kid were when we’d take ‘family pictures,’ send out Christmas cards, go out in public, having people over, everytime someone would find out I was adopted I’d cringe, anytime I was mistaken as the ‘help.’

11. I am afraid that you too will abandon me. (This is the universal fantasy for all adoptees). I can say this is probably true. A true feeling I harboured, but not necassarily how my parents felt. I always felt like, after we’ve realized I’m nothing special that I’m just this, the novelty of this whole charade will wear off.

12. Most of my fights with my parents end this way. “I’m just different.” Then I storm off until we just forget the fight. I’ve lived under a delusion that I’m the only person this way. It was my way of coping out of my mistakes, I attributed it to this idea that I am just off and therefore I didn’t have to take responisbility for being, well an asshole. I was a very impulsive person.

13. One thing that helped me was having a lot of siblings. Where my parents had worries about me being adopted, and in my eyes view me as adopted, my brothers and sisters have this obliviousness to it, that makes me exstatic.

14. I understand some of these thoughts seem skewed, but it is how I felt growing up, and I’ve since come to terms with being adopted, but it was a rocky road at some points. I am the person I am today because of the love two familys had for me, and that’s all that matters. I am the person I am today, and I don’t hate her.

15. I love my family.

Reasons not to Kill Yourself…

I thought my last post was kind of a downer. Let’s give the world some hope!

1. Sam Raimi is making a WoW movie. Don’t fuck it up, Raimi…a lot of us nerds are counting on this…

2. Unicorns.

3. Elliot Smith killed himself, and I regret everyday he’s not here making music.

4. You might not have to kill yourself. 2012! If that doesn’t end your existence…well yeah kill yourself, but stick around till then.

5. I’ll come back to this one.

6. Chances of awkward sexual encounters?

7. No, fuck that last one, Vibrators.

8. You could buy a goldfish or something.

9. Naruto.

10. It took me a lot longer to write this list…so for my sake, don’t /wrists!

Why Haven’t You Killed Yourself Yet?

I honestly want to know why so many people are still alive? If you were about to keep living, here are some things you might of missed about your life and why it should…be done.

Reasons you should kill yourself…

1. You ‘Twitter’
2. Life’s a lonely joke.
3. You read every Twilight book, saw all the Twilight Movies…and enjoyed them.
4. You’re a Republican.
5. You’re Stephenie Meyer.
6. You’re mad I misspelled Stephenie Meyer.
7. You’re Glenn Beck.
8. You watch Fox as if it were fact.
9. You live in Alaska.
10. You’re a scene kid.
11. You’re a [Insert your religion here]
12. You’re an atheist.
13. You actually give a fuck about religion either way.
14. You own magical underwear.
15. You’re boring.
16. The fact that if someone disproved all your beliefs that’s a reason you’d want to off yourself, how pathetic…
17. You’re a virgin.
18. You’re a slut.
19. You are anti-drugs and…drink alcohol.
20. You smell like ham.
21. You do this when you type. “XximxXSexxixX” No, you’re not. You just need Ritalin.
22. You think suicide is the ‘ultimate act of absolute self absorption.’ You’re wrong, blogging is.
23. You make shit up about your life because the truth is morbidly boring. The truth is, you should just kill yourself…because your cries for attention are annoying me.
24. You’re a vegan. What a dumb thing to be “Heyyyy, I don’t eat meat, can I suck your cock?” No, no you can’t, young lady, now get a different hobby like sewing…or scuba diving or something because being a vegan is gay. Become a seamstress.
25. You think animals deserve the same rights as humans. You’re annoying, just because you refer to your pets as your children doesn’t make them people.
26. You have herpes.
27. This list influenced your decision to live or die.
28. You’re failed suicide attempt mocks you.
29. You’re a failed abortion.
30. You’re adopted.
31. If you kill yourself, you’ll go to hell and hopefully NEVER see people you had to endure on Earth.
32. When you kill yourself you rot in the ground, and your brain is shut off. A quiet to the noise…well your head might alrighty be shut off…
33. Because with all the awful, horrific shit that goes on in the world, you have the fucking time to read a half-assed blog. You should feel sick to your stomach you are so fortunate.
34. The best foods in the world will give you diarrhea.
35. As will all the cheap foods in the world, hot pockets.
36. You have a piercing on your dick. That’s just stupid.
37. You pick your nose, eat it, then lie about it. I don’t care that you’re a sick fuck, I care that if you have to be that way, you are so ashamed of yourself you’d lie about it. Killlll yourself.
38. Cardigan Dresses.
39. The fact that if you killed yourself right now, it’d be in close proximity to the place of your birth.
40. I’m a miserable person that hates everyone and should kill myself, as should you.

Things I Hate

1. Vegans.
2. Vegetarians, way to half ass being a full fledged vegan douche.
3. Black hair with blonde bangs. I hate every single person that does that.
4. People that try to sell their life story to everyone they meet as if it’s interesting shit. It’s not. Shut up.
5. People that believe there is good in every person, um rapists? There is very little good in any person, let alone ALL.
6. People that believe in soul mates. Just because you’ve fucked the same mistake since you were 14 doesn’t mean we all wish to be stuck in the backward monotony for the rest of FOREVER.
7. Polar bear awareness ads that tell me I have to donate 15 dollars a month to save them. The amount it costs to have a World of Warcraft account or you will really accept nothing? Sorry bears, I woulda helped you otherwise…
8. People that call Glenn Beck, “Edgey” or think he’s anything other than a bleeding tampon. I’d donate 15 dollars a month to get him off tv.
9. Anyone who thinks Sarah Palin isn’t a gun-toting, pro-life, closed-minded, Nazi.
10. Everyone I know. I hate all of you.